You’ve got to keep checking to find out whether your associations are tipping the scales toward the positive or toward the negative. Ignorance is never the best policy. Finding out is the best. How to Protect Yourself from These 10 Toxic People. Debbie McDaniel Crosswalk.com. The Addict – This person is addicted to a substance or to a negative pattern or behavior that has severely.
A support group for Redditors who are coping with a relationship that is seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. Advice is always appreciated, just don't be surprised if we've heard it all.Important links for those in a deadbedroom:., note the link on communicating your kinks - a LL partner may feel that wanting frequent sex is kinky.Information about sexual issues that might be complicating your situation:. or.DeadBedrooms suggested reading:.-Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex-and How to Get It.is a book that has been helpful for communicating about sex for members of our community. (Link is to video discussing the book.).: a way to help people pick the right words to describe how they feel. Often a LL partner spending some time reading in our community has made a big difference. Maybe it will make a difference for your partner.Glossary. LL: Lower Libido.
HL: Higher Libido. DB: Dead Bedroom. SO: Significant Other. PIV: Penis in Vagina.
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This includes advocating any sort of not-consented-to sexual contact.Grinding an axe on religion, politics, culture, media or any other ideological baloney is off topic here and may result in banning and the stink eye.A NOTE ON 'THE RED PILL'As a result of long and extensive debates on the topic, and hard-won experience of the moderation team, The Red Pill and its sub-brands are NOT allowed here. This includes posting links to, etc. AND making reference to redpill-specific strategy/theory (plates, AWALT, dread game, etc.)This is for three reasons. First, red pill immediately implicates Rule 3 and Rule 6. Second, anything unique to redpill is almost certainly misogynist and unscientific, and anything useful in red pill (improve yourself, set reasonable boundaries, leave a relationship that isn't satisfying you, what people want and what they say they want aren't necessarily the same) is not unique to red pill. Finally, if you want to talk red pill.
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Apologies in advance.My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. The relationship has been the highlight of my life, and we're both very secure in the fact that we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. We've had some issues, as any couple does, but they're things we're both actively working on. Communication is very open and honest.Of course, there's a reason I'm posting here. The sex end of things has been a bit of an issue, largely due to my own inexperience.
She is my first girlfriend, I'm her second boyfriend. We were both virgins going into this.I, being a male, encountered a fair bit of biological inner tension at the start of the relationship. I had to essentially learn as I go what sex actually meant to me, understand the differences between men and women and their appetites, and attempt to convey this to my girlfriend. I can't say I handled it that well at the beginning. In the process, I created some rather nasty associations for her.
As might be expected from a mid-twenties virgin finally having sex for the first time, I became overzealous and showed some outward frustration when she wasn't in the mood. We discussed it, as we do, and I ended up giving the impression that I just had these animalistic urges that needed to be satisfied. I got frustrated a few times and basically told her that if I wasn't getting any on a very regular basis, I'd become irritable and generally rather unhappy. That was very damaging for her to hear. That, I've since discovered, is just untrue. Sure, it took my libido a bit of time to stabilize.
But, only recently, did I really figure out why my girlfriend 'holding out on me' bothered me:I view sex as an expression of love. Like turbo-kissing or something.
In my mind, a relationship without that kind of an expression of love indicated that the love itself was dwindling. I'm sure some of my own personal insecurities about not being physically attractive contributed as well. So, to me, that basically boiled down to: me not getting any/much = the love is fading and I'm not physically attractive. I didn't fully realize this at a time, so I basically articulated it to her like I said above 'if I don't get any on a regular basis, I'm going to be frustrated and restless'. And, that instilled a fair bit of fear and stress in her, and she felt basically like a sex object.
A tool for me to release my urges.Once I figured this out, I talked to my girlfriend about it. She was under the impression that my sexual desires were really just some animalistic portion of me, and that they were almost at the expense of our love and our actual relationship. She felt like she was basically 'expected' to give me that, lest I become grumpy/angry/frustrated/attracted to other people. Understanding my association with sex has apparently helped her feel better about all this, but it isn't just a magic 'undo' button. I've also become more familiar with the fact that women just don't 'feel it' in the same way.
As a guy, I'm programmed to get turned on pretty easily. Sex can be the last thing on my mind, but if I see some skin on her or something, I can be ready to go in a heartbeat. Women, of course, are more governed by their monthly rhythms and aren't just inherently good to go at the drop of a hat because they see an ab or something. It took me a while to internalize this, but I get it.So, here's the thing: I feel like I've generally figured things out. I feel like I've gone through a learning process here, and came out with some pretty mature, understanding attitudes about sex as a whole. I let my girlfriend know if I'm in the mood. If she is, great.
If not, I'm cool with it. Really, if I'm feeling some pressure in my junk to ejaculate, I can deal with that on my own. It's fun and feels good, but it's not far off from taking a dump or something. It's cathartic. To me, the intimacy with my favourite person in the world is the part that actually matters and makes sex worthwhile.
I'm equipped with some biological feel-good mechanisms, but I decide how I want to use them. And, when I get to use those mechanisms with her, it's just heaven. So, if I'm horny and she isn't, I can deal with that on my own, and that's really no big deal.
I'm seriously ok with it if the real deal happens fairly infrequently.But, my learning process did damage. Because of some of the things I said earlier on, my girlfriend has basically associated sex with 'taming my animalistic side'.
Something that has to be done, otherwise I'll get restless and be unhappy. That isn't true at all anymore, but the association is a powerful one.
Even if she's in the mood, that is still in the back of her head, and it just kind of ruins things. For her, it's just instant stress and fear. She's still programmed to worry that just a bit of kissing or something might set me off, and that she'll then have to deal with the consequences.
Sex, to her, just became about pleasing ME. And that's the last thing I want.On top of that, we've had a few other hurdles. First, we haven't actually been able to penetrate because her hymen was too big and rather sensitive. She's had that dealt with since, but we're still waiting. I don't want to put more pressure on her, and really, it's up to her to tell me when she thinks she's ready to give it a whirl.
And, like many women, it takes a lot to get her off. I've never been able to. I've really tried, but it generally amounts to 'keep doing that for another 45 minutes and it might happen'. So, as is quite often the case, I get a lot more out of sex than she does anyway. She insists orgasming isn't a big deal to her, and the emphasis is on being close to me, and I believe her.
But, I can't help but wonder if achieving that together would generally help things out a bit. As a guy, this part is just rather difficult for me to wrap my head around.
And, I'd definitely value hearing some more takes on this. I 'understand', but I haven't internalized it yet.Anyway, in an attempt to break these negative associations for my girlfriend, I've basically told her we should take a break from sex. I figured if she can see that I can be just fine without it and she can not feel pressured, that might help break the negative associations she has. But, she says that just feels like the ball is entirely in her court, and she worries that it will just amount to deferring the problem, instead of fixing it.
And, well, I understand that. I just don't know what else to do. We've talked through this all a lot. Everything has been covered, and we both fully grasp the other's position. But, it's really all just words.
She believes me, but that doesn't automatically break the association. It wasn't always there, but it's been reinforced enough to make it difficult to break. She's researching all this herself and is taking the problem very seriously. This is NOT a case of 'girl not putting out and doesn't care, guy is frustrated'. We're really both on the same page in terms of the importance of this. I just did a fair bit of damage while I was 'figuring things out', and we're both trying to fix it. This is quite clearly a psychological problem.
We've recognized that much, and I think we've identified the problem itself. But, finding the right solution isn't easy.So, I hope I've covered everything. But, what I really want to know is: How do we move on from here? What can we do, together, to sort this out? Have any of you dealt with something similar and managed to push through it?.
You keep on using the word 'animal' like it is a bad thing. Why?Sex feels good, it is a fun time. I mean, there is the lovely dovey aspect as well but a big part of sex and sexual acts is the animalistic, fun, 'ooh! When I do that to your body you have to bite a pillow!' Adventures.If you set up sex to mean the way you express your undying affection for your partner all the time you are going to miss out on a big part of the fun.
This is an awesome game to play, you try to satisfy each other, you do it fast or slow, it is all a relaxed and sexy game.If you want to start chipping at some negative associations with sex start talking about fantasies. What are the things that turn her on?
Does she have any toys? Does she want any? What makes her go 'sploosh'?She has an animalistic side as well, maybe she just needs help finding it. Like a treasure hunt only the prize at the end is way cooler!:P.
So much overthinking here. It's seriously not supposed to be this complicated. You just wrote a Stephen King novel of reasoning. I'm exhausted for you. I mean, why all this research and examination and psychoanalysis for something that should be fun and easy?I think your girlfriend may not like sex. Because when someone throws all these roadblocks up but still stays in the relationship, it gets a little silly. I mean, if you're so wretched and animalistic, why is she still with you?
You've stuck around for over a year, told her what sex means, and shown how much you care, and still you sit, sexless and confused. What possible research could she need to do at this point? Why has this become some complicated Dr. Phil catastrophe?And this is all without penetration.
Sorry but the animalistic nature of sexual desire is true. We're all a bunch of filthy apes and that's okay. Your thoughts about the role of her cycle in has much merit, but the thing about high libido people is that they seek sex not just to scratch an itch but because it has some other value to them like love, assurance, or power. You contradict yourself by saying that your desire is about love and her's is about biology. The reality is that it's about both for both.I think you're on the right path with the sex reset not necessarily by abstaining but with a new beginning.
It's good that she's foreseen her deference; it show's she's really on board. That counts for a lot.
First you need to get her comfortable with intimacy addressing the issue of deference with planned progression. Start with cuddling clothed. If that goes well, make out next time. Then naked cuddling, mutual masturbation, oral exchange, PIV.
This is just an example. Progress in whatever steps you both decide on. The plan here is to make her comfortable enough that her body responds organically. Secondly, she needs to feel sexy.
There's not much you can do in this regard as your efforts are poisoned by self interest no matter how genuine they may be. Cute underwear, hair, nails, get in shape, etc but it must come entirely from her.
Encouragement is no substitute for self assurance. Third, if she's going to maintain interest over the long term, she needs to find a logical reason to have sex. More examples include stress relief, making you happy, it makes her feel good about herself, or even plain old hedonism. If her mind takes the lead, her body will follow. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's never easy when one partner wants more than the other. As the others have said, there's nothing wrong with animal nature concerning sex.
I love when my boyfriend gets so overwhelmed with passion he fucks my brains out. As for women not being able to get hot at the drop of a hat, speak for yourself, I'm female with a HL and the moment my boyfriend takes his top off or kisses me i'm ready to pounce on him like I'm a starving lion that's just been handed a steak.Anyway, I hope you manage to help her relax her fears over sex and manage to make it more enjoyable, a dead bedroom is a soul destroying place if you let it get too far. If you still can't help her maybe you should try a couples/sex therapist to help her work through her issues. I wish you all the best.
I don't really have the best advice. People can be very ignorant and naive. But I guess one way to stay true to your self is just be yourself. You can't always go out and about every media outlet whenever something happens.
Just present yourself in a positive manner, and it is up to that person whether they don't judge a few for all people who are Muslims.I never get to heated up, what I mean is when some one you encounter is rude and throw rude comments, argue with them with knowledge not anger. And in a way kinda prepare yourself for it. Sometimes one can ignore the hateful Person but other times you just can't.Carry yourself with dignity and pride.as for a community I believe we should send letters to news media outlets to stop calling terrorists Muslims, and explain our reasons for it. The media plays a key in this, for years head line news always starts with Muslim etc etc etc. The moment Islam is mentioned they bash and speculate that is the core reason for these terrorists to strike out.People need to be educated. I say get involved with your community. Be kind to your neighbors even a wave hello hi at the drive way.Furthermore education again.
Education is very important, Muslims should strive to achieve in education and through this you interact with more and more people.I remember one time I was in the lounge sitting at a table studying. 2 other students were studying as well, I took some gum out and then felt a bit guilty that I was eating it and they had none. So I gave them both. I remember the dude looked almost in shock. Not in a bad kind of way. He smiled and told me thank you. I believe sometimes you can get a vibe from people good or bad and what I got from him was pure sincere.We all have to remember there are good people out there just put yourself there.
I wear the hijab. It doesn't affect me but ill be honest I have felt a bit intimidated especially in the past. I did feel self conscious.
I believe this feeling is just a challenge one must over come.It didn't make me reconsider wearing the hijab. I can't imagine myself without, i will just feel 'naked'. I started wearing it when I was 13 or 14 can't remember.there is a difference for men. They don't have to grow out there beard, it doesn't really have a significant action or meaning in Islam.
Not trying to judge just pointing this out.Has anyone here been affected by the negative stereotype? Has anyone approached you in a negative manner?Who do you think gets affected more muslim men or women? Wearing a religious symbol makes you and people associate, to some extent, the person with the religion of the symbol. So his/her behavior will be seen as the behavior encouraged by the religion.
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In a way, the person becomes sort of a representative of the religion e.g. If a veiled driver makes a driving breach, people will have a negative view of her religion.
She may feel that she has affected the image of her religion badly by her behavior. Has anyone here been affected by the negative stereotype?There is a direct and indirect effects of negative stereotype. Indirect effects have the greatest impact yet more subtle to see (strengthening security measures, changing immigration laws, cutting cross cultural program budgets, etc, till justifying or dismissing massacres). Direct effects are easier to notice (rude remark, discrimination in a service, etc).I think most Muslims, to varying degrees, are affected by the indirect effect of stereotypes. As a revert one of the strongest and most repulsive stereotypes that I have had to deal with is the stereotype of the 'Westerner.' Even in denouncing gerneralizations and creating a space to talk about stereotypes this page has made it clear that the problem is closely related to 'the West.' By the time I had converted to Islam I had learned about it in school, been exposed to it in my daily life, bought a Quran from a popular bookstore, and walked into a mosque looking for answers.
Like many of my fellow 'Westerners' I had ample exposure to the essential truths about Islam and very little bias. Painting my family, friends and compatriots as cowed by the media, fearful and vengeful does nothing to welcome or understand them.And so in short, yes, I have been affected by a negative stereotype, and the first has not been'I think most Muslims, to varying degrees, are affected by the indirect effect of stereotypes.' Flag AbuseFlagging a post will send it to the Goodreads Customer Care team for review.We take abuse seriously in our discussion boards.Only flag comments that clearly need our attention.As a general rule we do not censor any content on the site.The only content we will consider removing is spam,slanderous attacks on other members,or extremely offensive content (eg. Pornography, pro-Nazi, child abuse, etc).We will not remove any content for bad language alone, or being criticalof a particular book.
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